3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
