I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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