I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
