I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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