last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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