i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
