It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think your dad took our porno
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
