The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
