She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
