I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
