dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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