I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
