FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
