I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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