you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
