is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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