the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
