I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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