This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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