They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
