At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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