I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
