White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Who died my cat blue again?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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