this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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