Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
