Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My penis needs a shock collar
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
