Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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