when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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