I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
