If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
