I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
