I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
