I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
