I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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