yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
