kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
