today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
