I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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