Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
