i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
