Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
