sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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