Im at strip club and am horny
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
