You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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