her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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