There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
