Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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