Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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