Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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