On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
