I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
