so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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