No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
