you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
