shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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